With the new campaign almost upon us, Goal.com’s Mike Maguire takes a light-hearted look at 10 things that are certain to take place in the 2009-10 season.
10) Newcastle continue their Leeds impersonation
They’re in the Championship, their best players have jumped ship, and nobody can be arsed rescuing Mike Ashley from the mess he’s made. These Magpies hope to fly straight back up to the Premier League, but a free-fall into League One is just as likely. On the bright side, Joey Barton will win the league’s Player of the Year Award, despite spending six months behind bars for various acts of Joey Barton-ness.
9) Spurs sack Harry Redknapp after horror start
Tottenham Hotspur is a club steeped in tradition, and there is no more prevalent one than the annual early-season manager swap. With the Champions League hopefuls conceding 34 goals in the first six weeks of the season, chairman Daniel Levy will bring down the axe – and Redknapp will return to Portsmouth, with Jermain Defoe and Peter Crouch in tow.
8) Burnley do a Hull – or a Derby
Apparently, there is no safe middle path for the Clarets to follow on their return to the top flight after an absence of more than three decades. Either they will jump out of the blocks and challenge for the top spots before slipping back into the pack, or they will be relegated by January.
7) Ryan Giggs wins Ballon d’Or
After claiming the PFA Player of the Year award the previous season, the Welsh veteran builds on this superb form to be named the finest footballer in all of Europe – despite only making three starts in all competitions. Lionel Messi, already with 30 goals under his belt halfway through the Primera Division season, will have to wait another year.
6) Gerrard vs. Lampard... vs. Delph
After a six-out-of-ten performance off the bench on his Premier League debut with Aston Villa, Fabian Delph will be declared the future of England’s midfield and touted as a given to travel to the 2010 World Cup. When a slightly mistimed tackle results in an unfortunate dismissal on his second outing, he will be dubbed the ‘new Joey Barton’ and immediately scratched out of Fabio Capello’s first XI.
5) Arsene Wenger’s vision fails him yet again
The Arsenal manager will profess that he did not see Cesc Fabregas repeatedly punch the referee in the spleen before pulling down the poor fella’s shorts, kicking him in the rump, taking photos on his iPhone of the official’s stud-marked buttocks and posting them on his Facebook page – all on his way to scoring a highly controversial goal.
4) Manchester City buy all the remaining strikers in England
With his sitting in the lower half of the table come Christmas, Mark Hughes decides that attacking reinforcements are essential. Never mind that the Sky Blues are leading the scoring the charts – in come Fernando Torres, Didier Drogba and the rest of the Premier League’s marksmen. Carlos Tevez, with 17 goals in as many substitute appearances at the turn of the year, is assured that his place on the bench is secure.
3) Michael Owen receives a, erm... ‘warm’ Anfield welcome
Liverpool’s arch-traitor will venture off the sidelines for a rare run-out on his old stomping ground with Man United. He’ll limp off after 15 minutes – to rousing applause – but not before netting a quick-fire treble at the Kop end. Just like old times... except back then, Mickey didn’t play with bodyguards encircling him.
2) Press call for Capello’s head, but England enter World Cup as clear favourites
Regardless of what sort of form the Three Lions bring to South Africa, the tabloids will have them pegged as near certainties to take home their second World Cup – despite demanding that ‘Don Fabio’ be deported following a meaningless draw in their final qualifier. Emile Heskey will be lauded as the stand-out candidate for the Golden Boot.
1) Chelsea win everything playing ‘rubbish’ football
It won’t matter if they score 200 goals in the league, win the quadruple, and claim the top three spots in the FIFA World Player of the Year vote – at some point during the season, one of those ex-players who call themselves ‘commentators’ will declare that Carlo Ancelotti’s Italian pragmatism makes for a brand of football that would make Otto Rehhagel sick.
10) Newcastle continue their Leeds impersonation
They’re in the Championship, their best players have jumped ship, and nobody can be arsed rescuing Mike Ashley from the mess he’s made. These Magpies hope to fly straight back up to the Premier League, but a free-fall into League One is just as likely. On the bright side, Joey Barton will win the league’s Player of the Year Award, despite spending six months behind bars for various acts of Joey Barton-ness.
9) Spurs sack Harry Redknapp after horror start
Tottenham Hotspur is a club steeped in tradition, and there is no more prevalent one than the annual early-season manager swap. With the Champions League hopefuls conceding 34 goals in the first six weeks of the season, chairman Daniel Levy will bring down the axe – and Redknapp will return to Portsmouth, with Jermain Defoe and Peter Crouch in tow.
8) Burnley do a Hull – or a Derby
Apparently, there is no safe middle path for the Clarets to follow on their return to the top flight after an absence of more than three decades. Either they will jump out of the blocks and challenge for the top spots before slipping back into the pack, or they will be relegated by January.
7) Ryan Giggs wins Ballon d’Or
After claiming the PFA Player of the Year award the previous season, the Welsh veteran builds on this superb form to be named the finest footballer in all of Europe – despite only making three starts in all competitions. Lionel Messi, already with 30 goals under his belt halfway through the Primera Division season, will have to wait another year.
6) Gerrard vs. Lampard... vs. Delph
After a six-out-of-ten performance off the bench on his Premier League debut with Aston Villa, Fabian Delph will be declared the future of England’s midfield and touted as a given to travel to the 2010 World Cup. When a slightly mistimed tackle results in an unfortunate dismissal on his second outing, he will be dubbed the ‘new Joey Barton’ and immediately scratched out of Fabio Capello’s first XI.
5) Arsene Wenger’s vision fails him yet again
The Arsenal manager will profess that he did not see Cesc Fabregas repeatedly punch the referee in the spleen before pulling down the poor fella’s shorts, kicking him in the rump, taking photos on his iPhone of the official’s stud-marked buttocks and posting them on his Facebook page – all on his way to scoring a highly controversial goal.
4) Manchester City buy all the remaining strikers in England
With his sitting in the lower half of the table come Christmas, Mark Hughes decides that attacking reinforcements are essential. Never mind that the Sky Blues are leading the scoring the charts – in come Fernando Torres, Didier Drogba and the rest of the Premier League’s marksmen. Carlos Tevez, with 17 goals in as many substitute appearances at the turn of the year, is assured that his place on the bench is secure.
3) Michael Owen receives a, erm... ‘warm’ Anfield welcome
Liverpool’s arch-traitor will venture off the sidelines for a rare run-out on his old stomping ground with Man United. He’ll limp off after 15 minutes – to rousing applause – but not before netting a quick-fire treble at the Kop end. Just like old times... except back then, Mickey didn’t play with bodyguards encircling him.
2) Press call for Capello’s head, but England enter World Cup as clear favourites
Regardless of what sort of form the Three Lions bring to South Africa, the tabloids will have them pegged as near certainties to take home their second World Cup – despite demanding that ‘Don Fabio’ be deported following a meaningless draw in their final qualifier. Emile Heskey will be lauded as the stand-out candidate for the Golden Boot.
1) Chelsea win everything playing ‘rubbish’ football
It won’t matter if they score 200 goals in the league, win the quadruple, and claim the top three spots in the FIFA World Player of the Year vote – at some point during the season, one of those ex-players who call themselves ‘commentators’ will declare that Carlo Ancelotti’s Italian pragmatism makes for a brand of football that would make Otto Rehhagel sick.
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