Michael Owen is an Abu Hasan's fart of a player. By which we mean, obviously, that his story will be passed down through the ages, making generation after generation snort and blub like redundant stockbrokers. Of course, even though the player's career, like a faulty linesman, seems to be flagging badly, his tale has yet to conclude. Technically, a happy ending is still possible.
But you've got to fear the worst when your hear that Rafa Benitez is prepared to forget about how Owen snubbed him years ago by choosing money, Newcastle and ridicule over Liverpool. With talk of a January return to Anfield, it looks like the striker who defected from Liverpool just before they won the Champions League is about to return there just in time to be blamed for them blowing their best ever chance of winning the Premier League.
And oh how that will make Robbie Keane laugh. Yes, loud and lusty will be the cackling from the Irishman's new home in Stamford Bridge.
Meanwhile, Joe Kinnear will use the paltry sum generated by Owen's departure to build a stupidly small car into which clever Mathew Upson will not be able to resist climbing, with inevitably hilarious consequences.
Newcastle will also try to lure Amr Zaki from Wigan, an utterly pointless pursuit given that Chelsea, Tottenham, Manchester City and Arsenal intend making far more attractive and lucrative offers to the Egyptian. Possibly involving a pyramid scheme.
Elsewhere, Juande Ramos's campaign to discredit those who say he knows nothing about English football was given a boost today by reports that he's to invest perfectly good Real Madrid money in Adam Johnson. You know, Adam Johnson, the guy with the ears and the nose and mouth. Yes, yes, the one with the knees. The player who, um, plays. And stuff. Oh yes, he's well worth £15m.
Ramos also reckons he can get Pompey's Lassana Diarra for £5m, which would make him, like a man who's just been savaged by small mammal from the family Soricidae, uncharacteristically shrew(e)d.
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